are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
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I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize