I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
