Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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