Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
