If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
