I smell stomach acid.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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