I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
