i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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