I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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