I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
