Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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