This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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