So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
