non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
