I just pynch a tree in the face
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
