Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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