her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
