2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
