Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
