somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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