So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
