Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
