I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
