Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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