Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
