I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
