My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
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You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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