Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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