I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
