Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
