I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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