No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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