I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i believe in u and ur pee
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
