I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Found your dick twin last night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
