opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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