Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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