my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
