Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
nutella sex= disaster
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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