I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
