And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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