then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
