hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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