Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
