if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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