Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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