I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
