Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
