yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
