I wish I could teleport
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
