I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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