I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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