Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
