i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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