Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
