Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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