i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize