my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
