Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
